Passive Aggression: Recognizing Hidden Anger and More

What Is Passive Aggression?

Passive aggression is behavior that expresses negative emotions indirectly rather than directly. The actions appear to be neutral or accidental, but they stem from otherwise unexpressed frustration or hidden anger.

Instead of clearly stating how they feel, the passive aggressive person finds ways to be aggressive indirectly. In other words, their hostility comes out in passive ways.

For example, a passive aggressive person may insist they are “fine,” but then they give their spouse the silent treatment, mope or offer only sarcastic responses when spoken to.

In other situations, they may “forget” to do something they are asked to do, or they may use procrastination as a passive aggressive way of communicating their anger.

Passive aggression is not considered a diagnosable mental health condition. However, it may occur with certain mental health conditions, and the communication problems involved can have negative effects on all areas of a person’s life.

Common Signs of Passive Aggressive Behavior

Passive aggressive behavior can manifest in a variety of ways. The common factor is a lack of open, direct communication about the person’s negative feelings.

Instead, these emotions are expressed in the following passive aggressive behaviors:

Sarcasm: These biting comments express, in more subtle ways, the aggression the person is feeling.
Avoidance: Rather than confronting a situation or person directly, the passive aggressive individual tends to avoid certain people or settings.
Procrastination: They don’t want to do the task asked of them, so they put it off, and they may have to be asked repeatedly to complete it.
Silent treatment; This may occur for no apparent reason, but when questioned, they refuse to talk about what is bothering them or how they truly feel.
Ghosting: The person seems to disappear without reason or response.
Denial: They assure others that everything is “fine” even though it is clearly not.
Pouting: They exhibit frequent sighing, slamming doors or other “mopey” actions, but they won’t express directly what is bothering them.

Causes of Passive Aggression

Why do some people resort to passive aggressive behavior? What causes this emotional suppression? Several factors can contribute to this behavior:

Low Self-esteem

The person lacks the self confidence or assertiveness necessary to openly and directly express their thoughts and emotions. They may not feel “worthy” of such expression.

Fear of Confrontation

Dealing with a situation directly can feel intimidating or overwhelming. If the person is uncomfortable with confrontation, they may find it easier to handle situations with passive aggressive behaviors instead.

Family Upbringing

Some families discourage the direct expression of emotions. Open communication and assertiveness are not encouraged. Having been raised in this environment, the person has learned to express their anger and frustrations in passive ways.

Mental Health Disorders

Passive aggression may co-occur alongside mental health disorders such as depression. Often, this is manifested as self directed, passive aggressive behaviors that may include neglecting personal needs or sabotaging personal goals.

Environment

Some situations make overt expressions of anger or frustration difficult or awkward. For example, at work settings or family functions where aggression isn’t socially acceptable, a person may resort to more subtle or passive aggressive methods of expression.

The Effects of Passive Aggression on Relationships

Passive aggression has negative effects on the individual and their relationships. Long term, the lack of communication and honest expression of emotions takes its toll, internally and externally.

Friends and family members become frustrated with the lack of communication.

They can never be sure how the individual truly feels, are often confused about the actions and reactions of the person and can begin to resent their behavior. They grow weary of the sarcasm, procrastination and other passive aggressive behaviors.

This often results in loved ones distancing themselves from the passive aggressive person. They are no longer willing to try to navigate the hidden anger and communication problems, so they put distance between themselves and the passive aggressive individual.

Beyond family relationships, passive aggression also affects professional relationships.

The employee who is passive aggressive may not turn in projects on time or may withhold crucial information from the team. Passive aggressive students may exhibit similar behaviors. This can lead to poor work reviews, bad grades, lost jobs and failed courses.

The passive aggressive individual also suffers internally due to emotional suppression. They never honestly express how they are feeling or deal with their frustrations in healthy ways. Situations, anger and bitterness fester and are never resolved or healed.

Healthier Communication Strategies

What are some healthy alternatives to passive aggression? To break this pattern of behavior, communication must switch from passive to active.

What does active communication look like? It doesn’t assume people can read minds or intuitively understand how others are feeling. It accepts that thoughts and emotions must be communicated to be understood.

This style of communication allows a person to express themselves clearly and firmly, yet kindly. It involves assertiveness, boldness and confidence, without aggression. It also requires emotional honesty and a willingness to share true, intimate feelings.

Examples of active communication include:

“I feel _________, when _________ happens.”
“This isn’t funny to me. Please stop doing that.”
“I get frustrated when…”
“It’s important to me to…”

This type of communication is clear, concise and honest. Its goal is to leave no ambiguity about the situation and firmly but lovingly express emotions and set boundaries.

Keep in mind that this takes practice. And it won’t happen perfectly. But with practice, it will get easier and lessen communication problems over time.

Managing Passive Aggression in Others

It’s also important to keep in mind that an individual may not realize they are using passive aggressive behaviors, or they may never have learned a better way to express their hidden anger.

These behaviors often stem from underlying or even unconscious hurt or sadness, and the person may experience communication problems frequently but is unaware of why or how to change.

The first step in managing passive aggression in others is to recognize the behavior. Be aware of what actions—that may seem innocuous—are actually passive aggression.

Second, keep your own behavior in check. Don’t join them in passive aggressive behavior or let your anger get the best of you.

Third, respond with empathy. Rather than judge or retaliate, try to give them the space they need to express their emotions. Help them feel safe and accepted, but don’t ignore or accept the passive aggressive behavior.

Kindly, but directly and firmly, point out their behavior. Hold them accountable for it.

Express your own emotions, and explain that you can’t know what’s wrong with them unless they clearly express their own feelings. Without blaming or shaming, use active communication to explain the situation.

Lastly, this explanation should include boundaries for the future. Outline what will happen if the person refuses to acknowledge their behavior or work toward improvements in communication. Consequences may include less time spent together or a different type of relationship in the future, or, for professional settings, consequences may involve a demotion or academic penalties.

When to Seek Professional Support

Passive aggressive behavior is common. Most people exhibit it themselves or witness it in others on occasion. However, when passive aggression creates chronic relational conflict, it is time to seek professional support.

In other words, it’s not an occasional sarcastic remark or an infrequent pouty episode. It is a pattern of communication (or lack thereof) that is hurting the relationship.

When confronted with the issue, the person is unsure how to make a change or has tried and is unable to alter their communication patterns on their own.

In these situations, a professional therapist can work with the individual and their loved ones to teach healthier communication skills.

Through expert insights and instruction, the passive aggressive individual can learn how to deal with hidden anger and avoid passive aggression in the future.

Passive Aggression FAQs

What is Passive Aggression?

Passive aggression occurs when a person expresses anger or other negative emotions indirectly rather than directly.

While not a diagnosable mental health condition, this behavior can cause damage to personal and professional relationships due to communication problems.

What Causes Passive Aggression?

Passive aggression can be caused by fear of confrontation, family upbringing, low self esteem, mental health disorders or environmental factors.

How Can You Recognize Passive Aggressive Behavior?

Passive aggressive behavior involves a lack of honest, direct communication about the person’s feelings.

Instead, they express frustrations in indirect or “passive” ways, such as sarcasm, avoidance or denial.

How Does Passive Aggression Affect Relationships?

Passive aggression causes communication problems. The lack of open and honest communication breaks down relationships.

Others may end up distancing themselves from the passive aggressive person, or the individual may experience negative professional or academic consequences due to their passive aggressive behavior at work or in school.

Passive Aggression: Recognizing Hidden Anger and Communication Challenges