Codependency describes unhealthy patterns of behavior that exist when two people are emotionally overinvolved. Sometimes people become emotionally dependent upon one another to the point where their boundaries are blurred and their individual autonomy is sacrificed.
Typically, a codependent partnership involves a “giver” or “helper” who regularly and persistently prioritizes the needs of the other person over their own because feeling indispensable validates their self-worth.
The “taker” or “receiver” in the relationship secures aid and support but sacrifices their own self reliance and confidence in their ability to manage their own life.
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Signs of Codependent Behavior
- An enmeshed, or overly emotionally involved, relationship
- Sense of identity is defined by the partnership
- Focus is on “pleasing” the partner
- Codependent partners only feel happy when the other is happy
- Power imbalance, related to giving vs. receiving support and aid, exists between partners
- Acceptance of, or enabling, harmful behaviors
- Control tactics, either subtle (ex, guilt-tripping, approval seeking) or overt (ex, threats, controlling finances), are used to either encourage aid from, or retain power over, the other
- Guilt feelings are used to obtain goals (taker to elicit support; giver to avoid temptation to tend to own needs)
Causes of Codependency
Codependency is not a mental illness, although it is sometimes referred to as a “relationship addiction.”
Rather than being caused by biological or psychological factors such as brain chemistry, codependency is a learned behavior. It involves habits or patterns formed in childhood, usually as a protective reaction to address family dysfunction, such as exposure to addiction, abuse or illness.
In dysfunctional family environments, children often learn to survive by repressing their own emotions and caring for the afflicted family member instead.
Dysfunctional family patterns are often passed down through generations.
Examples of dysfunctional family dynamics that can lead to learned codependency include:
- Parentification: a child may take on adult roles out of necessity if adult family members are incapable or unwilling to perform these roles
- People pleasing: a child may seek to gain attention and validation of their self worth by pleasing a dependent family member
- Trauma: a child may be emotionally traumatized by witnessing substance abuse, mental illness or other disturbing experiences within the family; or they may personally experience abuse or neglect
- Fear of abandonment: the child may fear that they will be physically or emotionally abandoned if they do not carry out their expected role
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The Impact of Codependency on Relationships
Codependency negatively affects relationships. It results in losses for both the giver and the taker.
The “giver” gives up:
- Addressing their own needs and wants: these are sacrificed or set aside while they prioritize the needs of the taker.
- Time and energy that may be devoted to taking care of themselves, their health, enjoying hobbies or being with friends is usually displaced to care for the partner.
The “taker” gives up:
- Self-sufficiency: they may develop learned helplessness and stop trying to do things for themselves because their partner always takes care of their needs.
- The ability to feel empathy: by focusing too much on their own needs and not being required to reciprocate, takers can lose touch with their ability to perceive and understand the feelings of others.
Both partners give up:
- True connection: A relationship based on a power imbalance is not truly authentic and is not likely to provide long term fulfillment.
These issues impact the relationship and often lead to:
- Burnout: Feeling mentally and emotionally stressed and exhausted is more likely to manifest in the partner who is the giver in a codependent relationship because they devote more of their time and energy to meeting the needs of the other partner.
- Over time, burnout in a giver can cause them to feel apathetic and less motivated to continue setting aside their own needs for the sake of the relationship.
- Resentment: When the giver’s needs are consistently unmet, they may come to feel unappreciated and may eventually become angry or resentful about the situation.
- On the other hand, if the taker in a codependent relationship thinks that their partner has been derelict in their “duty” to rescue them when needed or to fix a problem as expected, they may also feel hurt, angry, or resentful.
Breaking Codependent Patterns
Unhealthy emotional habits and patterns characterize codependency, but because they are learned behaviors, they can be unlearned if there is a desire to change and sufficient effort is put forth.
Self-awareness is key. Recognizing and evaluating both one’s own internal thoughts and feelings, while also recognizing the perceptions of others, allows a person to interact more responsibly and effectively. Self-awareness fosters true authenticity and trust in relationships.
In contrast to the transactional relationships found in codependency, authentic relationships are based on the expectation that each partner is autonomous, self-reliant and self-validating.
Both partners are willing to provide support to and receive aid from the other when needed; however, such assistance is not the foundation of the relationship.
To increase self-awareness, the following techniques can be beneficial:
- Mindfulness and meditation: calmly focusing on the present moment and noticing (without judging) thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations
- Journaling: writing down thoughts, feelings and experiences with the intent to identify emotional triggers and patterns and then explore ways to address them
Setting Boundaries: Creating and maintaining emotional boundaries, or limits on when and how much emotional support you provide to another, is a central factor in breaking codependent patterns.
- Guard your own time, energy and emotional resources; don’t overshare any of these.
- Do not take responsibility for the feelings of another. Recognize that you cannot fix another person’s emotional dysfunction. Trying to do so is harmful to both of you.
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Healing and Recovery from Codependency
Codependency recovery is possible. With self-awareness and a commitment to personal growth, a person can learn to set emotional boundaries, take responsibility for their own feelings without taking on the feelings of others, and enhance their self-esteem and confidence.
Psychological therapy or counseling and self-care are key elements in recovering from codependence.
Working with a counselor or therapist is a good way to address codependency issues.
Because codependency is often rooted in dysfunctional childhood mental and emotional patterning, having the help of a skilled therapist or counselor who knows how to work with these dynamics can be extremely helpful.
A counseling professional can guide and support you as you uncover and explore deep-seated self-defeating thoughts and feelings, change your unhealthy behavior patterns and improve your relationship skills.
Self-care is also important. Challenging and changing long-held, deeply entrenched false beliefs about oneself requires hard work, commitment andself-compassion.
Studies on self-compassion and well-being found that when self-compassion (as measured by self-kindness vs. self-judgment, emotional connectedness vs. loneliness, and mindful awareness vs. overidentification with negative emotions) was increased, symptoms of many mental health issues, including depression, anxiety, PTSD, suicidal ideation and self-harm, decreased.
Ways to practice emotional self-care include:
- Identify your needs and explore ways to address them yourself.
- Practice saying “no” while mindfully rejecting guilt, and don’t place guilt on others.
- Communicate simply and clearly. Use “I” statements vs. “you” statements to express feelings. (Ex: I feel overwhelmed when “X” occurs vs. You make me feel overwhelmed when…)
- Engage in activities that nurture you–enjoy a hobby, connect with supportive friends or family, prioritize sleep and good nutrition.
Certain mental and emotional conditions are often linked to codependency because they share ties to dysfunctional family dynamics.
- Addiction is a common factor in codependent relationships. Codependent partners are often enablers for the addicted person. They may make excuses for them, shield them from the consequences of their behavior or prioritize the needs of the addicted person over their own.
- Anxiety is often experienced in codependent relationships as each partner deals with insecurity, fears of abandonment by the partner and struggles for emotional control that exist within the relationship.
- Narcissism is often part of a codependent dynamic. A narcissistic person requires excessive admiration and validation, and they frequently use manipulation to get their needs met.
- They are often the “takers” in a codependent relationship. “Givers” seek appreciation and approval from their codependent partners, and they usually find purpose in taking care of their narcissistic partner’s needs.
Codependency FAQs
Codependency is an unhealthy pattern of behavior where two people are emotionally over-involved and dependent upon one another.
They sacrifice individual autonomy and indulge in a complementary “giver” and “taker” emotional dynamic.
Codependency is caused by dysfunctional family dynamics experienced during childhood.
Unhealthy emotional and behavioral patterns, created for self-protection, become entrenched as habits and are carried forth into adulthood.
Common signs include:
•Parentification, where a child takes on inappropriate adult roles in the family
•People pleasing behavior, or putting the needs of another person before one’s own needs, to gain -appreciation and approval
•Trauma from witnessing substance abuse, mental illness or other frightening family encounters; or from personal experience with abuse or neglect
•Fear of abandonment should one fail to carry out their expected codependency role
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