How to Help Someone with an Eating Disorder

In this guide, you will learn how to help someone with an eating disorder by employing compassionate, evidence-based techniques that can enrich the life of the person you care about while keeping the relationship strong.

Eating disorders affect 1 in 10 Americans during their lifetime, so this resource will equip you with tools that can make a difference.

Key Facts

Eating disorders can affect anyone. They are medical conditions that require medical treatment.
As mental health conditions with severe social and health consequences, eating disorders can disrupt family dynamics.
By learning communication skills, you can keep a relationship with someone battling an eating disorder while encouraging them to seek help.
Specialized treatment is available and can help individuals recover from eating disorders.

Understanding Eating Disorders and Your Role

Mental health conditions, such as eating disorders, are often misunderstood, even by well-meaning individuals.

Eating Disorders are Serious Illnesses, Not Choices

Scientists have conducted extensive research and found that eating disorders are medical conditions that emerge from the interaction of genetic, neurological and social factors.

Individuals affected by them are not to be blamed for their condition or accused of being attention seekers.

Eating disorders can affect anyone, and stigma around them, such as the idea that they only affect skinny people, often dissuades individuals from seeking professional help.

Medical treatment for eating disorders is the optimal way to address these conditions, as they can disrupt social functioning and their health consequences cause more deaths than any other mental health condition.

What “Helping” Looks Like

If someone you love is struggling in any aspect of their life, it may feel like offering unsolicited advice or even trying to fix what’s not working is the best thing to do. However, eating disorders require a careful approach.

A person battling an eating disorder is often experiencing profound shame, which, combined with a sense of loss of control that characterizes these mental health conditions, demands rethinking what help looks like.

Approaching your loved one with a non-judgmental attitude and a genuine desire to help is the first step.

Let them know you want to be there for them. Try to avoid giving advice, as you may not have the training to understand what works best for their condition.

Keep communication channels open, and always remember that what they are going through can happen to anyone. If they want professional support, you can help them find the appropriate fit based on their needs and preferences.

Recognizing When Someone May Be Struggling

Only a qualified professional has the expertise to diagnose and treat an eating disorder.

Nevertheless, if you suspect someone close to you may be struggling with disordered eating, here are some signs to pay attention to.

Food Related Changes

A person may:

Frequently skip meals.
Develop rigid rules about what to eat and not to eat.
Indulge in secretive eating.
Visit the bathroom frequently after meals.
Adopt binge eating habits followed by purging patterns such as vomiting or laxative use.

Body Image Preoccupation

An individual with an eating disorder can have:

A pattern of constantly checking their appearance.
An intense fear of gaining weight.
Compulsive exercise episodes.
A heightened distress response around meal times.

Functional and Emotional Shifts

Eating disorders may lead to:

Isolation.
Constant irritability.
Anxiety episodes.
Depression.
Perfectionism about food and appearance.
Declining school and work performance.

Medical Red Flags and When They May Be Urgent

Eating disorders can cause severe health consequences that can escalate quickly and become medical emergencies.

Seek prompt medical help if someone experiences concerning symptoms, including:

Fainting
Chest pain
Rapid heartbeat
Sudden confusion
Seizures
Intense weakness
Vomiting blood
Dehydration
Self-harm ideation

It’s better to be safe than sorry, so if you are worried about your loved one’s well-being, seek medical support as soon as possible.

How to Start the Conversation

Before thinking about precisely what to say, check yourself. Are you coming from a place of compassion and desire to help, or are you making judgments and want to lecture them?

Prepare for a Supportive Check-In

Challenging conversations flow better when they are approached with the appropriate mindset. So start there.

Specific logistical details include:

Pick a calm moment where you can have a private conversation. Avoid bringing up the topic in the middle of an altercation, and try to do it away from meal times.
Remember that you aren’t qualified to make a diagnosis, so labels are not helpful. Just let the person know that you are worried about specific behaviors and the consequences that they may have for their well-being.
Let them know you are not confronting them, just reminding them that they can count on you if they’re struggling and that help is available.

Keep the Door Open If They Get Defensive

Conversations don’t always go as you plan them, and that’s ok. Remember, the idea is to help the person you care about, not to win an argument or make a point.

Eating disorders, by their nature, tend to be surrounded by secrecy. People are not eager to discuss them openly with anyone. These conditions carry shame, and individuals may feel vulnerable when sharing their experiences.

Always listen more than you talk. If they’re not ready to share at the moment, be patient.

Let them know you’re leading with kindness, and invite them to chat and receive support when they’re ready.

What to Say and What to Avoid

If your loved one is diagnosed with an eating disorder, it’s best to follow the precise communication guidelines medical professionals provide, as these conditions have unique characteristics and individuals may present with specific triggers.

Supportive Language That Reduces Shame

It’s wise to foster a positive environment to support an individual’s progress in areas such as work and school productivity, energy levels, mood and healthy relationships.

You can be of service to the person you care about by asking if they need specific support, as a way of reminding them that you’re by their side as they travel the road to recovery.

Common “Helpful” Moves That Backfire

You may feel tempted to compliment the appearance of the person you care about if, after a medical intervention for an eating disorder, they look healthier or gain body weight. Do not do it.

Refrain from focusing on your loved one’s appearance, as they may be sensitive to external validation, even when it’s positive.

Pressuring them to eat more or less is also not a good strategy, even if you are caring for a minor.

Becoming the food police will most likely backfire as a method to promote behavioral change, and it can definitely strain a relationship you want to nurture.

Encouraging Professional Help

You can help a person facing an eating disorder by assisting them in finding licensed treatment centers, calling facilities to evaluate options, offering transportation to appointments or even babysitting while the person is accessing care.

Make Getting Help Easier: Practical Support Matters

Remember that the degree of your help will depend on how willing the person is to access care. You cannot force them, and it’s not recommended to suggest specific diets or therapeutic interventions.

Encouraging seeking help is your primary job. A professional will determine a definitive diagnosis and recommend a tailored eating disorder treatment plan.

If They Refuse Help or Say “I’m Fine”

A person may refuse to seek help, and your response depends on who you’re trying to help.

If they are minors living in your home, you may establish ground rules or seek urgent medical help to prevent harm if risk exists.

If your partner is struggling with disordered eating, an ultimatum may backfire and strain your relationship, so the communication principles outlined before remain your best strategy.

Including other family members in a problem-solving session could help, but if you are unsure if the person actually has an eating disorder, sharing their personal story with their friends, coworkers or school may be perceived as a breach of trust.

So, be prudent and try to remain focused on direct dialogue, unless you perceive that harm to their health is possible and urgent measures are needed.

Supporting Recovery Day to Day

From your side, you can remain as a source of support for your loved one by offering companionship and an ear they can count on as they progress in their treatment.

Mealtimes and Routines

Recovery for the person you love will depend on the eating disorder they have been diagnosed with. When and what to eat will be determined by the clinical team, so you must adhere to their instructions.

Ask them directly what they need from you, and try to follow the routine outlined by professionals, as structure can bring order and lessen the risk of them being overwhelmed by the process.

Create a Recovery-Supportive Environment

The trajectory of recovery from an eating disorder is not linear. Both emotional and behavioral aspects can fluctuate, and relapse is possible.

Mental health professionals and clinicians treating your loved one will identify triggers and environments that may harm them. You can ask them if there’s a way to help by modifying your surroundings, but stick to their guidance.

In general, avoiding talking about dieting and their body image, while encouraging participation in healthy activities and nurturing positive friendships, are robust strategies.

Taking Care of Yourself as a Support Person

Supporting others while ignoring your own well-being can lead to burnout.

Here are some practical steps you can take to keep yourself healthy and positive.

Both the origins of eating disorders and treatment outcomes are beyond your control. You can offer support, love and encouragement, but ultimately, results depend on many factors.
Try to eat well, rest and exercise. Find time for yourself to recharge, but also to do the things you love. Don’t put your own life on hold.
Find someone you can trust to talk and share your experiences. Individual or family therapy may help.

FAQs

What Should I Do If They Deny There’s a Problem?

If someone close to you denies they have an eating problem, you must respect what they’re saying and calmly explain to them that you are concerned about their well-being.

Don’t confront them, but instead offer them support and invite them to reach out if they need any help.

Should I Comment On Their Weight Loss Or Appearance?

If a person you love has a diagnosed eating disorder, it’s best to follow their care team’s instructions about what to say related to body image.

In general, it’s unwise to focus on a person’s appearance, as eating disorders can be associated with shame about body image, so refraining from commenting about them is best.

How Can I Help at Meals Without Making it Worse?

You can help at meals by offering genuine companionship and by creating a judgment-free environment. The specifics of what and when to eat will be established based on specialized criteria that medical professionals use to treat specific disorders.

Stick to these instructions and avoid a policing or lecturing attitude toward a person.

When Is It an Emergency?

If a person struggling with an eating disorder appears confused, faints, has chest pain, seems lethargic or weak, has a seizure, vomits profusely or expresses self-harm intentions, it’s best to seek urgent medical help right away.

Find Treatment Near You

Therapy.com is a top resource in the for finding treatment facilities that treat eating disorders.

Search by location, insurance coverage, amenities, treatment type, level of care and special programs that can help your loved one rebuild their lives on their own terms.

Call 800-731-0645 ( Sponsored) to speak with someone who can assist you in finding the most suitable treatment options, discussing financial alternatives and finding the support you need.